For the longest time, I’ve only wanted to be one thing. Which was why I finally decided to go to school for it. Now that the program is almost coming to an end and I got an internship for something that I thought I actually wanted to do this whole time, I don’t know - I’m just content. I should be super stoked, right… because normally I would be. I thought I knew that for a fact, nothing would change my mind about it. Now that an opportunity comes up, I’m getting cold feet and I’m wondering if I still want to be in the industry at all. But I guess that’s why there’s that internship, I get to test the waters and see if I like it. I hope it works out. Thank god for back-up plans, I guess. I know how I am when it comes to these ‘life-altering’ decisions, I can always see myself running the other way. 

You know when you think you know what you are and aren’t capable of and you tell yourself you’ll never do certain things; well, I find that the more I tell myself I’ll never do them I’ll eventually give in. I hate what curiosity would do to me - it makes me self-destructive. Everything I thought I knew about myself, well I don’t. Thinking back, I realized that this isn’t the first time that I’ve contradicted myself. It sucks, because I know that I know better but my actions says so otherwise. “Take it for what it is”, “Whatevs, you’re just having fun” is what I’ve been getting and for some twisted reason, it’s enough, for me, to justify my actions. Now I know, for a fact, that I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. 

Heart says no. Head says yes. 
I’m beginning to think that I don’t have a heart at all, jussayin’.