“I’m not scared of being on my own, I’m just scared of never telling the right person how I feel about them and regretting it forever, you know, cause I feel really, like a disappointment for not making our relationship work and I don’t wanna regret it when I’m 40. I don’t wanna be married and wished I was married to him. I don’t want to forever look for him and in everyone that I ever meet and hopefully fall in love with, that frightens me.”

- ADELE on Someone Like You

Sometimes when you’re young, you think nothing can hurt you. It’s like being invincible. Your whole life is ahead of you. But as you get older, you realize it’s not always that easy. It’s not until the end of your life that you realize how the plans you made were simply plans. At the end, when you’re looking back instead of forward, you want to believe that you made the most of what life gave you. You want to believe that you’re leaving something good behind. You want it all to have mattered.

It’s been said that the saddest thing a man will ever face is what might have been. But what about the man who’s faced with what was? Or what may never be? Or what can no longer be? Choosing the right path is never easy. It’s a decision we make with only our hearts to guide us. But sometimes we find our way to something better. Sometimes we fight through the regret and remorse of our mistakes, our malice and jealousy and the shame we feel for not being the people we were meant to be. And that’s when we find our way to something better or something better finds its way to us.

You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate or bad luck or bad choices. Or you can fight back. Things aren’t always going to be fair in the real world. That’s just the way it is. But for the most part, you get what you give. The rest of your life is being shaped right now. With the dreams you chase, the choices you make, and the person you decide to be. The rest of your life is a long time. And the rest of your life starts right now.

- ONE TREE HILL

Like any kind of relationship, if it ended ugly, you don’t wanna hear about the other person’s whereabouts. The same applies for me, therefore, no, it’s not nice to hear that you saw so&so at the mall or for some reason so&so mentioned it’s been however long since we last talked. I don’t give a shit. I don’t know if people have noticed but I’ve never, once, asked how so&so is doing or whatever because again, I don’t care. Once you’re cut, you’re cut you’ve gotten to a point where you define [insert “harsh-ugly-vulgar-word-that-starts-with-a-C” here] for me and become non-existent and pretty much ‘dead to me’ in my mind, then you’re cut. 

…Maybe I just can’t believe that I have to actually say “don’t fill me in, I don’t give two shits” out loud for people to actually get it because apparently my civil, one word answers like, “Okay” or “that’s nice” wasn’t obvious enough. So all of this, is me not being civil for a few minutes. don’tneedbitchesinmylife, nuff’ said.

For the longest time, I’ve only wanted to be one thing. Which was why I finally decided to go to school for it. Now that the program is almost coming to an end and I got an internship for something that I thought I actually wanted to do this whole time, I don’t know - I’m just content. I should be super stoked, right… because normally I would be. I thought I knew that for a fact, nothing would change my mind about it. Now that an opportunity comes up, I’m getting cold feet and I’m wondering if I still want to be in the industry at all. But I guess that’s why there’s that internship, I get to test the waters and see if I like it. I hope it works out. Thank god for back-up plans, I guess. I know how I am when it comes to these ‘life-altering’ decisions, I can always see myself running the other way. 

You know when you think you know what you are and aren’t capable of and you tell yourself you’ll never do certain things; well, I find that the more I tell myself I’ll never do them I’ll eventually give in. I hate what curiosity would do to me - it makes me self-destructive. Everything I thought I knew about myself, well I don’t. Thinking back, I realized that this isn’t the first time that I’ve contradicted myself. It sucks, because I know that I know better but my actions says so otherwise. “Take it for what it is”, “Whatevs, you’re just having fun” is what I’ve been getting and for some twisted reason, it’s enough, for me, to justify my actions. Now I know, for a fact, that I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. 

Heart says no. Head says yes. 
I’m beginning to think that I don’t have a heart at all, jussayin’.

What can I say, in 2010, I was all over the place; I chose to be unemployed for the first five months and realized how boring it was. Then I went back to working and met some funny and amazing people. I reconciled with a friend whom I haven’t talked to in a year and it feels so damn good. I kept back in touch with my partner-in-crime again and spent the last eight (plus) months with numerous, crazy shenanigans and countless stories to tell. 

The last half of the year was definitely the most memorable. So many things that were literally unforgettable. Although some things happened that proved I can be even more out of character but I guess that’s why it was so memorable. You live and learn. Throughout all of it, I am incredibly thankful for the people who haven’t passed a single ounce of judgement on me and helped me along the way. 

If there’s anything that I learned from 2010, it would be to never say never. Goodbye 2010, thanks for making 2009 a year to forget.
2011 will be tough, I can feel it, plus my 2-year challenge starts now =(

“One of the saddest part of life is keeping yourself busy and pushing yourself to the limit all day…

And when you get home, lying in bed, you’ll discover that after all what you’ve done to forget, you’re still in that very same position you’re trying to escape.”

I’ve never stressed over school, at least, not that I’m aware of. I think I’d probably go “oh shit, this thing’s due” or something like that but after today, oh dear, I don’t have room to screw up. I was told that I’m on the right track and I’m doing well etc. but I still feel like I can’t. fuck. up. and I’m definitely feeling the pressure. I’m counting down to the day that this is over. Once this school thing is over, it’s “Peace out, Vancouver!!!”. I can’t. wait. 

Haven’t been feeling like myself lately. I’ve been having fun and all but it’s definitely different from what I’m used to. I don’t want it to be a reoccuring thing but at the same time, I don’t mind it? For the first time in a long time, I don’t know what I want and it might not be such a bad thing but I’ve definitely been way out of character. I’m just going to stick to “I don’t know” because as much as I would like to know, it might be something I need right now.

…just tell me something that I do know.

+ Taylor Swift’s Back to December playing for the hundredth time; yes, I like T. Swift.

Thank you for those who have been there for me for the last twenty months, more importantly, the last couple of days. I know it wasn’t favorable at all but I think that what’s recently happened might have been what I needed (…and I know how stupid that sounded, but it was long delayed, trust me).

After an incredibly long time, I can finally breathe; waking up in the morning doesn’t feel so bad anymore.

So let’s just start over…